The journey continues

I feel like I am doing well in what I am learning through my journey. I certainly feel calmer and more comfortable in my place. There are still days I am very much unsure of my direction but my Master has been wonderful at guiding me when I ask or when he sees I need it. 
Summer is winding down and school is starting next week. I have really been feeling stressed over the class schedule I have to have. Not that the classes are difficult… I will need 1 spring semester class and can not take it until ALL of my other classes are complete. I want to be done this chapter. My Master has done so much to help quiet my frustrated mind and show me understanding. I am so fortunate. His strength gets me through a lot.

I look forward to seeing how each new day plays out and what He has in store for me when the kids are asleep. The last few days have been stressful. He is the calm to my storm and can bring me peace with a touch of his hand. When He wraps his arms around me I can feel the stress melt.

He has been much more vocal with me. I find the more I hear the more I need. His voice is intoxicating. When He calls me His “Good Girl” u am instantly calm and at the same time extremely excited. It is through those words I am able to know that what I am doing is in line with what He needs.

My focus is better lately. I think since we stepped back and started progress forward again it is more natural for us both. Today is a new day. Full of possibilities. Embrace it. I plan to!

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Em… patheticΒ 

I have this gift of sorts… sometimes it breaks me into a million pieces. I have a very strong empathic connection to people even if I have only connected with you online. I hold the sorrows of others and their pain so deep within my soul that it nearly drowns me. When I am asked “what’s wrong?” And I attempt to answer, those answers are either unaccepted as truth or they fall on deaf ears. 

Some days, today… I just want to be numb. I just want to sleep. I just want someone to truly understand and not try to fix me, but instead accept me for me… broken pieces and all. 😒

Receiving my Day Collar; A beautiful ceremony.

Receiving my Day Collar; A beautiful ceremony.

What a wonderful ending to a perfect day. Our anniversary was last week. My husband/Master and I celebrated with a nice day together. He and I have been married 16 years. Truly something to celebrate.

We had an overnight sitter which is a rare thing. When we came home it was dark out. I was instructed to strip and sit in the bedroom. I waited patiently while my Master set up a beautifully simple scene in our living room. He came in and put out his hand, telling me to stand and come to him. Then my Master led me into the living room where there was a small table with a light blue cloth on it. The blue was much like the blue we had in our wedding. On the table were red roses and a red box.

My Master said a few short but sincere words that conveyed the promise he was making to loce, protect and guide me. I responded by telling him I would try my hardest to make him proud and I would not disappoint him.

He placed the collar around my neck and kissed me.

It was such a sweet ceremony.

I had been nervous for days before. I am still learning and will always look to be a better version of me. The nerves went away as he held me. I am so thankful for the time my Master spent in preparing such a beautiful evening.

Of course, we may very well have woken the neighbors later but that is how it should be. πŸŒΉπŸ’‹πŸ’—

Submission with a chronic illness.

There are days that I wake up and wish I could just stay in bed. Sometimes my pain is overwhelming. I am so fortunate to have a Master/husband who is so understanding. He still pushes me to Greatness however he is understanding of my limitations on those days and is happy to just hold me.

I work and run our children to activities in addition to responsibilities as a submissive and a wife. In the last 2 weeks I went through a horrible pain flare. I still got up every day, made breakfast, got the children out the door and to school and went to work.

My Master wants me to tell him how I feel but I am reluctant to because it is like a constant complaint of the same things. I do not do medications because they have not helped. I prefer natural remedies.

I am sorry for venting on here and complaining to you. I get depressed feeling and have a hard time staying pleasant and happy.

What do you do on days you are feeling badly?

Even in my dreams I’m submissive.

Even in my dreams I’m submissive.

I had a sex dream last night. My Master was having sex with me. My Master was looking into my eyes and told me I wasn’t allowed to look away. He slid his fingers inside me but stopped before I came. My Master took his fingers out of my pussy and told me to touch myself while I licked them off. Master then asked me if I wanted to taste more of myself and I said “Yes my Master”. He slid his fingers back inside me and again told me to lick them off asking if I wanted more. Again I said “Yes please my Master”

This time, when my Master slid his fingers inside me he licked my lips and said he could taste my pussy on my mouth. My Master brought his hand up from my pussy and instead of me licking off his fingers my Master covered my nipples in my pussy juices and told me to lick them off and finger myself at the same time.

 

That was the whole dream. πŸ’‹πŸ‘€πŸ‘

What has shaped me into me.

What has shaped me into me.

 

 

I grew up in a very abusive home. Not only was I personally physically and mentally abused but I also watched my parents physically and mentally abused each other as well as my siblings to each other and received from both parents. I was also sexually abused for years. Not my parents and they never found out because I never told them.

 

Fast forward to now…

 

My past has molded me to a person who learns very quickly what is expected in order to not ever need punishment or correction. I personally thrive off of a positive reinforcement system and hope that I did not earn any punishments. Just knowing that I may have done something to disappoint my Master tears me apart.

 

After receiving my final grades for this semester I am looking forward to a possible reward. 3 B’s and 1 A! Summer classes start Saturday. Not that I feel entitled to anything for doing well, I was told I may get a reward.

 

What do you prefer? Positive reinforcement or punishment?

 

I have always been extremely emotional. In fact, I tend to internalize the emotions of others. It is difficult when my Master tells me to not let others bother me. Not something I can easily shut off. Not even sure I know how to.

 

I have an expectation of being confident. I also have a bunch of medical things going on that lead to anxiety and feelings of insecurity and frustration. I am not medicated so how do I shut that off to be what/who my Master wants me to be?

Slowly I am changing how I do things and being more mindful of what I do. It is certainly a challenge to relearn how to BE. I am learning, trying hard… feeling like I am not meeting expectations but my Master and I agreed that the transition will take some time.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.